


Cleanse

by Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e14 My Bloody Valentine, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, No Slash, Rain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2141556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that/pseuds/Are_you_ever_not_going_to_fall_for_that
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After my bloody Valentine. There a storm, a field, a Winchester and an Angel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cleanse

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Supernatural

The heavy black clouds hung in the air, the wind whistled sharply nearly as loud as thunder and lighting lit the sky. He pulled his light jacket closer to him as the rain that was pelting down to the earth got heavier and was soaking through his jacket. His jeans were also just as wet from sitting on the rain drenched ground. He was in a field of grass, somewhere inside of his brain said that sitting in the middle of open field in a thunder storm wasn't a smart idea, but he didn't listen. He heard the sound again and look at his jacket, his phone was in the there and even though he hadn't looked at it since coming out here, he knew who was calling.

He knew he was probably freaking Dean out, and he knew that Dean didn't deserve to have to worry about him after everything he had done, but he still couldn't answer the phone. He noticed that he starting to feel a little cold now, but he still didn't move from his spot on the grass. He just stared at the rain and willed it to keep coming and never stop.

"You're getting wet" Sam looked down from the sky and saw Cas, rain was drenching him, at least he was dressed for the occasion he thought dryly, Cas's head quirked like he was trying to figure Sam out.

"You can tell Dean I'm okay, and I'll be back soon." but Cas didn't move just continued to stare at him.

"Why are you sitting in the rain?" because it felt right, he felt that maybe if he sat out here long enough the rain would wash away the taint in his blood and in soul, and then maybe he would be clean.

"No reason." he answered not knowing how to vocalize his thoughts and even if he did he doubted Cas would want to hear about it. Cas was Dean's angel he had fell for him and the only reason he cared about Sam was that Dean did, despite the fact that he shouldn't, despite the fact that he didn't deserve it.

"Wouldn't it be more comfortable to be inside?"

"Probably." but he didn't deserve comfort, he had just drunk demon's blood again after swearing that he would never do it again. He had just broken Dean's heart again, and that's all he ever seemed to be able to do was break Dean's heart again and again. Hell he was doing it right now and even knowing that he couldn't seem to stop doing it. He had been out of the panic room for a week now, and while he hated the room part of thought he should have never of left it. In there he couldn't mess up , and it seemed he always did. Dean had said this time it wasn't his fault, but he was wrong it was his fault. His fault that he had started in the first place, his fault like he had liked the feeling so much that everything that didn't involve him getting his next fix, no longer mattered to him. He had been a damn junkie and he hadn't even realized what it had turned him into until it had been too late. Until he had fractured his relationship with his brother and had let Lucifer out.

"You're shivering." Cas said interrupted his thoughts and Sam looked down at himself okay he was shivering. "Isn't that bad for humans?" Sam looked his face again he seemed concerned but that was probably was just him misreading his gaze, Cas didn't care about him. Abomination and boy with the demon blood came to mind. He deserved those titles, maybe even a bright neon sign on his forehead so that everyone would know what he did. Something touched his shoulder and he jumped. Cas's hand was on his shoulder he was looking his eyes, and Sam couldn't tear his gaze away from Cas's.

"I'm taking you back to Dean." he said.

"No." Sam pleaded suddenly, he didn't want to go back there back to be right in front of the person he had hurt the most. He could handle Dean's anger and snarkiness but he couldn't handle his worry, his kindness and hurt it killed him every time. He was aware distantly that the shivers in his body were getting worse.

"Sam you're not well." Sam laughed at that.

"I'm addicted to demon blood." he kept laughing for a few minutes after that.

"Yes you are." Cas words were like a punch to the stomach. He knew Cas didn't beat around the bush or hold his mouth to spare anyone's feelings. "But this time you were infected by famine and you even tried to keep yourself from indulging."

"Load of good that did?" Cas touched him and suddenly they were out of the rain. Sam looked around and noticed they weren't back at Bobby's, rather in a pavilion he had past on the way to the grassy field he had decided to sit on. It seemed so long ago that he decided to take a walk in the storm. The rain was gone he thought with sorrow, and the taint on his body and soul with still there, he hadn't gotten rid of it. He could still see the rain though, he could hear the wind and thunder, he tried but couldn't seem to move due to the shivers racking his body, so that would have to good enough for now. He looked around and noticed that Cas was gone, even though he knew he had told him to go, it still stung that he had left. He was pathetic, he laughed bitterly.

"Dean says your getting sick." Sam looked up and saw that Cas had come back. That was probably true his body was shivering, and his head was starting to feel hot. "He says I need to drag your ass home." it sounded funny coming from Cas's lips, but he also heard his brother's voice behind it.

"I don't want to go home Cas." he whined like a four year old, looking at the ground. Suddenly he felt something change and he looked up and saw Cas sitting across from him.

"I don't understand you're sick, and undoubtedly you would feel better if you were warmer. Why don't you want to feel better?"

"Because I don't deserve it." Sam said before he could stop himself.

"You don't deserve to not be cold?" he asked confused.

"I don't deserve to feel better to feel okay. I started the damn apocalypse. I drank demon blood I don't deserve to feel better!" Sam shouted at Cas before cringing, Cas also didn't deserve to be yelled at by him, just because he didn't understand what was going on, he looked down at the pavilion floor again. "I'm sorry Cas, just take me back home." he said, it would only replace Cas with both Bobby and Dean, who would undoubtedly yell at him but it was what he deserved, since the rain hadn't taken his taint and he didn't know if there was anything that could anymore.

"It was always the plan for you to start the apocalypse." Cas said and Sam didn't look up. Just because he had been meant to start it, didn't mean that he couldn't have stopped it. If he had just realized that the feeling of power and control that the demon blood gave him was like a high, and that he was addicted to it maybe he would have listened to Dean. Or maybe if he had stayed in the panic room, even after the door had opened and his restraints had been broken things would be different now. Or if he hadn't been so damned shattered when Dean died that he had gave into Ruby. He was weak, so very weak and the demon blood had made him feel strong, even if he wasn't really strong he had felt that way.

"Your shivering gotten worse, I'm going to take your back to Dean now." Sam opened his mouth to argue but the first thing he saw was Dean's worried face looking him up and down. Sam looked at himself and noticed the shivering. Sam absently listened to Dean say something about worry his ass off and where had he been? Sam barely noticed his jacket and shirt being stripped off and and Dean pushing him towards the shower. He looked back at the bathroom door and saw Bobby and Dean looking at him worried and Cas looking at him confused. He gave them all a smile unconvincing smile, before going in and shutting the door.


End file.
